My Anxiety Gets Overwhelming Sometimes

Every Monday night by precisely 8:00, I am anxious.

That’s because every Tuesday I have to work from 1-7 teaching music to piano and voice students.

I can even feel my stomach churn as I go over all the little details I still have to get done, the e-mails that need to be sent to parents, the inputting of tuition money, the rescheduling of lessons, it just goes on and on.

You see, I have lovely students who don’t even give me a hint of an attitude but for some reason, it just adds so much stress to my life…and it’s only one day.

You would think that I could handle some beginner piano students and several good singers. I am a Conservatory of Music graduate for heaven’s sake!

Nope.

It gets me every time.

This lack of control…the amount of hats I wear as a mom…the people to please…the students to challenge…the money I need to make…in fact, it is too much.

I’m finally allowing myself to admit that I am doing too much.


There is a reason why being a SAHM is a full-time job because it is just that: a full-time job. It’s enough.

For so often I can barely get the meal-planning done, the grocery shopping under budget, and the kids happy and fed, while staying on top of my own gluten-free diet. Oh and then there’s spending time with my partner in this thing-called-life: the husband.

Yeah I would say that’s enough.

God did not mean for me to be frantic in my busyness. 

Yes, this life will always be busy and full. That’s good! but frantic? Stressed? Anxiety-filled?

No.

That’s not the life I want to lead.

My husband and I hope and pray that I will be able to leave my job in June. We are praying that we can find some more breathing room in our budget so it will be a practical leave and not a rash decision. We want to be wise in this tender phase of life.

In the meantime, I need to tackle this Anxiety beast, for that what it is…a beast, waiting to devour me at the first chance.

He is otherwise known as the devil.

He knows my tendencies that are literally part of my DNA. He knows what buttons to push, what circumstances that will set in motion the spiral of stress and anxiety. He knows better then I do.

Scary thought.

He knows what my One Word is.

He knows that I am striving to be calm and still before the Lord in all things.

He just knows.

So, where do I go from here? How to I beat this beast? Can I even beat it?

You bet.

By taking a deep breath, saying out loud, “You won’t win!”, and sitting under the protective shade of God’s presence and Word.

I don’t want to be haunted by anxiety anymore.

This entry was posted in My Life.

What’s Wrong With the World?

I’m sure you all heard about the terrorist attacks in France recently. I don’t know what’s going on with this world lately. It’s just sad, we can’t even feel safe in our own free countries anymore. :( Sometimes I feel like 9/11 is going to happen again and it makes me terrified. What if it really does? It’s possible that Osama isn’t really dead and is waiting to attack us again with Al Queda and I’m really scared.

I started taking more of my anxiety medication but I’m not sure it’s helping. I should go talk to the doctor and see if I can get a different kind, right now I’m taking Xanax. Maybe there’s something else that would work better, can anyone give me any suggestions? I’m really nervous 24/7 that something awful is going to happen. Even if I read my post back I realize how crazy it sounds but I’m really scared. :(

Maybe I need to calm down. I know I do but it’s really hard. I have kids to look after and they don’t need mommy to be crazy with fear every day. I just don’t know sometimes. It’s like my mind has a mind of its own and I can’t control it. Sometimes I think I hear voices but I know I’m not that crazy… it’s just the paranoia talking. Right?

I’m going to take a hot bath and see if it helps calm me down. I’m sure it will, it always does.

Looking for a new crib mattress

We’ve been looking for a new crib mattress for the baby, we have one from Shanda but it’s a bit old and we want to get a new crib too, so screw it, we’ll get a new mattress to go with it. I’m in favor of getting an organic one but I’m not sure if it’s worth it? Does anyone know?

I found a website about finding the best crib mattress and it had some good advice, but I really don’t know what to look for. They suggested a particular mattress and it looked nice, but we’ll be searching around some more for one. The last one we got was a Kolcraft mattress and it was okay, but the cover didn’t come off so it was a huge pain in the ass to clean. The neext one we get is definitely going to be machine washable, I don’t get the point of a mattress not being that way because babies are just little pee machines.

We’re also looking for a crib, the site we were looking at also had a post about cheap cribs that seemed helpful. We don’t have a lot of money to spend so it’s a really big help. We were going to get a hand me down from my parents but I read that it’s a bad idea to use old cribs so we’re just going to get a new one. I hope Walmart has some cheap ones because it’s the only store close to the apartment…. well besides the liquor store.

Well, I’m really getting a headache so I’m going to get off the computer and go to sleep for now. I hope it goes away in the morning. Goodnight friends!

Saving Money on Diapers? Sign me up

One of my twitter friends just shared this link about saving money on cheap diapers by buying on Amazon. To be honest, I’m not all that keen on buying from online stores because I got ripped off on ebay a while ago and never did get my money back. I had bought an iPad from someone in China and it turned out that it was literally just a heavy book in the box and not an iPad. I tried to get my money back and ebay didn’t help at all. OH well.

Apparently they have a program called Amazon mom that lets you save 15% on diapers right off the top. It’s not free but it’s worth it I think, if you buy a bunch of diapers at once and have them scheduled for delivery over a few months. What’s nice about that too is that you get another 5% off if you do it, so it adds up. Money is tight here lately because I’ve been unable to work so it’s nice to be able to save a few bucks here and there. Work has been kind of slow for my husband too which sucks. Sigh.

I didn’t realize how expensive it was to raise a kid these days. It really is an eye opener. Baby diapers have been one of our bigger expenses, too but we managed to get a good deal on most of our baby gear. Our car seat was used but a gift from one of my friends, and our stroller was a baby shower gift too. We weren’t as lucky with the diapers though.

I also found this hilarious youtube video earlier. I laughed so hard I almost peed a little, I just love babies so much. LOL.

This Was My Wonderful Friday

This was how my Friday was totally wasted…

My doctor doesn’t believe that I am not (currently) Type II Diabetic. I have been monitoring my blood sugar for three months and according to all the articles I’ve read, and my mother, grandmother, and two aunts (all Type IIs) agree that my numbers are within the norm. I can’t go off and eat a cake and some pasta, of course. I do have to exercise more and get more strict about my diet. However, I am convinced, that at this time, I am not Type II.

Again, my doctor disagrees, so he ordered a Glucose Tolerance test. This is a two hour test that has to be taken at least 8 hours after fasting, in the morning. I was a good girl, and I did my fasting. I was told I could have water, but I didn’t indulge. Sorry, but I am not an 8-glasses-a-day sort.

I woke up at 7:57am did my morning stuff, took my meds, and by 9:15am I was out the door and on my way down to the bus stop.

I arrived at the clinic at 10am and at 10:30am I had my first blood draw and was given some faux kool-aid glucose that tasted like someone dumped the entire sugar bowl into it. Guh-Ross! Once that was done, I had to go sit in the waiting room for an hour.

I brought my book with me and thought it would be all right, except the A/C was so freakin’ cold it was like sitting in a refrigerator. Honest to god, it was painful cold! I complained, as did two other waiting patients, but nothing was done about it. By the time I thought to go sit outside and warm up, it was 11:30am.

A different nurse took my blood.

If this were my phlebotomist, needles wouldn’t be a problem.

Now – my elbow veins are small and like to run away. Because I am not a big water drinker, my blood flows sluggishly. It is a problem for a phlebotomist. This is not a new thing. This has always been a problem even way back when I was a healthy little kid running around like a spinning top. Basically, I am simply not hydrated enough, so my veins are small, they run away, and I have molasses for blood. (And yes, I know, this is just another one of those damn things that sets me up for a stroke or heart attack – that’s another blog post, so let’s leave it for now. Kay?)

So, elbow veins are lousy. What works? The veins on the back of my hand. Yep, I can hear some of you going EW. Well, it does hurt, but since I’m not so great with needles in the first place, anyplace that you stick me with one is unpleasant, so WTH, stick the back of my hand with a needle. I don’t care… all that much.

Every. Single. Time. I get a blood draw, I tell the phlebot not to use the elbow veins and use the hand veins. Sometimes I get an argument. This time I got an argument, and my elbow vein was caught and stuck. And, the phlebot complained that my blood was really, really slow. Uh-huh.

She’s finished, though, and doesn’t complain about sample size, so I think I’m already to go back to the refrigerator for an hour and I do so. Except, it is still too damn cold, so I went and sat outside. 80 degree weather today with a nice breeze and I’m in a purple sleeveless dress with gothic-y embroidery on it, sitting on the sidewalk. Yep, funny looks from the downtown tweekers.

An hour goes by. I don’t get called for my third and last shot. At 1pm I go to the desk and ask what’s up. They call a nurse for me and no one comes out until 1:30pm.

BTW – I haven’t eaten one bit of food since 11pm last night!!!!!

The head of the nurses station comes out and tells me that there will not be a third stick. My test is “inconclusive”. Wanna know why? Because the 2nd nurse should have tried to get a better blood draw from my hand, but didn’t. Nor did she let me know there was even a problem. On top of that, she told her superior, when she was asked why she didn’t draw a second sample, that she had gone to the refrigerator to call me back for a second draw but I never answered!

Okay – you’re saying – you were sitting on the sidewalk outside and never knew she came out. Sorry, bub. But, I let everyone know just where I was. I could see every nurse and doc that came out. Plus, they have a speaker that outside in which their receptionist uses if you don’t hear yourself get called.

The bint lied…. grrrrr

So, I finally left, at fifteen minutes to 2pm, went to a nearby restaurant, ordered some food, which was served at 2:10pm. I then ate, paid my bill, got on the bus and went home. I was home at 3:30pm.

What a freakin’ waste of a day, AND I have to get the test, AGAIN.

Honestly, I’m really thinking of refusing to take it again. Way too much trouble.

This entry was posted in My Life.