Every Monday night by precisely 8:00, I am anxious.
That’s because every Tuesday I have to work from 1-7 teaching music to piano and voice students.
I can even feel my stomach churn as I go over all the little details I still have to get done, the e-mails that need to be sent to parents, the inputting of tuition money, the rescheduling of lessons, it just goes on and on.
You see, I have lovely students who don’t even give me a hint of an attitude but for some reason, it just adds so much stress to my life…and it’s only one day.
You would think that I could handle some beginner piano students and several good singers. I am a Conservatory of Music graduate for heaven’s sake!
It gets me every time.
This lack of control…the amount of hats I wear as a mom…the people to please…the students to challenge…the money I need to make…in fact, it is too much.
I’m finally allowing myself to admit that I am doing too much.
There is a reason why being a SAHM is a full-time job because it is just that: a full-time job. It’s enough.
For so often I can barely get the meal-planning done, the grocery shopping under budget, and the kids happy and fed, while staying on top of my own gluten-free diet. Oh and then there’s spending time with my partner in this thing-called-life: the husband.
Yeah I would say that’s enough.
God did not mean for me to be frantic in my busyness.
Yes, this life will always be busy and full. That’s good! but frantic? Stressed? Anxiety-filled?
That’s not the life I want to lead.
My husband and I hope and pray that I will be able to leave my job in June. We are praying that we can find some more breathing room in our budget so it will be a practical leave and not a rash decision. We want to be wise in this tender phase of life.
In the meantime, I need to tackle this Anxiety beast, for that what it is…a beast, waiting to devour me at the first chance.
He is otherwise known as the devil.
He knows my tendencies that are literally part of my DNA. He knows what buttons to push, what circumstances that will set in motion the spiral of stress and anxiety. He knows better then I do.
He knows what my One Word is.
He knows that I am striving to be calm and still before the Lord in all things.
He just knows.
So, where do I go from here? How to I beat this beast? Can I even beat it?
By taking a deep breath, saying out loud, “You won’t win!”, and sitting under the protective shade of God’s presence and Word.
I don’t want to be haunted by anxiety anymore.