Do you ever really know what you want to be when you grow up? Obviously, there are many people that do know the answer to that question. But what about those of us who have never been able to answer that question? Is there something wrong with us?
The first time that question hit me, hard, was in high school, a year before graduation. All of us juniors were being sent on a regular basis to the counselor to be “counseled about our futures”.
Luckily for me, in my junior year we had a brand new counselor, a guy who seemed to understand that for some of us, thoughts of the future sent us into confusion and severe panic. He attempted to be as sensitive as possible with me, but it didn’t work. I headed home after that first meeting with the feeling of desperation and failure welling up inside of me. I felt sick.
Career??? College??? Do you know what you want for your future???
I wasn’t able to tell my folks for several days what was wrong. I just stayed in my room, with my dog, and pounded out my woes on the piano. Finally I spoke to my parents… they loved me… that’s all the help I was going to get.
Don’t read that the wrong way. I’d already been suffering emotional problems throughout school and my parents, they were doing the best that they could. Unfortunately, both of them had known the answer to that question even before they reached high school. Dad may not have become what he wanted, but he’d known. And mom, well, she is what she always wanted to be, to a certain extent. Either way, they knew and I believe they just couldn’t fathom that their daughter, this brilliant, talented child, had no idea what she wanted for her future.
I wish that now at age 43 I could tell them, “Mom, dad, I know what I want to be when I grow up. In fact, I am what I want to be!” We’d embrace, be all happy and well adjusted.
But no. I graduated nearly 20 years ago. I’ve been married for almost 12 years. I left the workforce 10 years ago. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I’ll never know the answer to that question.
For a very long time I felt like I was missing something. Maybe, along with all the other physical and mental problems I have, this is just one more thing wrong with me.
I do not think that is so anymore. No, I still don’t have the answer… or maybe, in a sense, I do. I am content and I am happy. If I had the chance, I’d go back and when the counselor asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up, that’s what I could tell him. I wish I could tell my dad this, but he’s been gone for 12 years now. At least I can tell my mom. She understands me, now.
