Comments on: Confession is Good for the Soul, Part II http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/ I have been here before... Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:51:59 +0000 hourly 1 By: Jayne d'Arcy http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-3392 Jayne d'Arcy Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:53:27 +0000 http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/#comment-3392 Randy - you make some valid points and the thing is, I am doing what I can to work toward forgiving. I'm not there, yet. That was pretty much the point of this essay. It dismays me that everytime I think I'm making a step forward, I wind up taking two steps back. Unless you've spent time in my shoes, recovery, forgiveness, being happy isn't as simple as turning on or off a light switch. Randy – you make some valid points and the thing is, I am doing what I can to work toward forgiving. I’m not there, yet. That was pretty much the point of this essay. It dismays me that everytime I think I’m making a step forward, I wind up taking two steps back. Unless you’ve spent time in my shoes, recovery, forgiveness, being happy isn’t as simple as turning on or off a light switch.

]]> By: Randy http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-3391 Randy Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:34:02 +0000 http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/#comment-3391 I read your post about the AA who wanted to make amends for her childhood behavior. I am certainly not condoning her past actions, and as far as her need now to make amends - who really knows (but her) what her motivation is today . . . but who cares!? What is YOUR motivation in this process? I do know from personal experience, your comments like "do I give a damn about her amends now at 45" and such are proof positive that they still have tremendous power over you, and you continue to feed them weather your aware of it or not. Regardless of her motivations, your offering forgiveness for someone who reaches out is the only way you will rise above this part of your life (regardless of who is right or wrong – only angry people need to be right – happy people need to be – uhmm well happy) Caught up in the "me" and "I”, "right and wrong" and "I can not forgive", is something your holding on to that obviously isn't working very well. Allow yourself to have the power over it - try a different approach from what would seem to be the opposite of logic - forgive them and it may set you completely free of it – it doesn’t require "agreeing with them or liking them” at all, only forgiving them and moving on with your life - not a very new concept - but a very effective one – or hold on to your current belief system about it and let it put you in the corner again when ever it creeps back into your life. I read your post about the AA who wanted to make amends for her childhood behavior. I am certainly not condoning her past actions, and as far as her need now to make amends – who really knows (but her) what her motivation is today . . . but who cares!? What is YOUR motivation in this process? I do know from personal experience, your comments like “do I give a damn about her amends now at 45″ and such are proof positive that they still have tremendous power over you, and you continue to feed them weather your aware of it or not. Regardless of her motivations, your offering forgiveness for someone who reaches out is the only way you will rise above this part of your life (regardless of who is right or wrong – only angry people need to be right – happy people need to be – uhmm well happy) Caught up in the “me” and “I”, “right and wrong” and “I can not forgive”, is something your holding on to that obviously isn’t working very well. Allow yourself to have the power over it – try a different approach from what would seem to be the opposite of logic – forgive them and it may set you completely free of it – it doesn’t require “agreeing with them or liking them” at all, only forgiving them and moving on with your life – not a very new concept – but a very effective one – or hold on to your current belief system about it and let it put you in the corner again when ever it creeps back into your life.

]]> By: Three Eyed Toad http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2109 Three Eyed Toad Mon, 22 Oct 2007 19:59:19 +0000 http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/#comment-2109 Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of your inner self. I know how difficult it can be to have the willingness to share these kinds of thoughts, and these kinds of experiences. I have tremendous respect for the willingness and bravery it takes to expose yourself in such a way. I realize, too, that you may not be ready now or ever to engage with any of those who hurt you so deeply in the past. But consider that choice carefully. This person who contacted you by e-mail, and who brought up many of these fears and anxieties, may have contacted you out of a fundamentally selfish motive. Nevertheless, interacting with this person may afford you an opportunity to experience a healing that could otherwise be unavailable to you. I’m not suggesting that such an experience might not be painful – indeed, I believe it would not be an easy experience by any measure. But the chance to confront this person with some of reality of what you experienced at the receiving end of their cruelty could be exactly what they need to hear, and exactly what you need to say. As Mr President describes in his comment, cruelty toward others is often an expression of a cruelty visited upon the perpetrator. Coming face-to-face with that sort of selfishness might help break, or at least lessen, the cycle of tyranny. Sharing your innermost fears and thoughts on these pages is an amazingly courageous expression of your willingness to move forward and be set free. Cautiously subjecting yourself to participate in an exercise of compassion with another human might be another important part of the process of putting your past behind you. Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of your inner self. I know how difficult it can be to have the willingness to share these kinds of thoughts, and these kinds of experiences. I have tremendous respect for the willingness and bravery it takes to expose yourself in such a way.

I realize, too, that you may not be ready now or ever to engage with any of those who hurt you so deeply in the past. But consider that choice carefully. This person who contacted you by e-mail, and who brought up many of these fears and anxieties, may have contacted you out of a fundamentally selfish motive. Nevertheless, interacting with this person may afford you an opportunity to experience a healing that could otherwise be unavailable to you. I’m not suggesting that such an experience might not be painful – indeed, I believe it would not be an easy experience by any measure. But the chance to confront this person with some of reality of what you experienced at the receiving end of their cruelty could be exactly what they need to hear, and exactly what you need to say.

As Mr President describes in his comment, cruelty toward others is often an expression of a cruelty visited upon the perpetrator. Coming face-to-face with that sort of selfishness might help break, or at least lessen, the cycle of tyranny. Sharing your innermost fears and thoughts on these pages is an amazingly courageous expression of your willingness to move forward and be set free. Cautiously subjecting yourself to participate in an exercise of compassion with another human might be another important part of the process of putting your past behind you.

]]> By: Mr President http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/comment-page-1/#comment-2090 Mr President Fri, 19 Oct 2007 23:53:07 +0000 http://www.jaynedarcy.us/2007/10/19/confession-is-good-for-the-soul-part-ii/#comment-2090 I read the first of the two posts unable to bring myself to comment. As someone who was a victim of bullying and a former binge-drinker I was unsure which side of the fence, so to speak, I sat on. What is true is that the whole "making amends" thing is certainly more for the sake of the addict than the victims they've hurt. It's probably not fair but the cynic in me would retort that life isn't. Many alcoholics are themselves victims, bullying victims often become bullies, bad cycles perpetuate. The circle of life is not a pretty thing. My bullying was a cause of my intense depression, itself a cause of my drinking problem, itself a cause of my (thankfully failed) suicide attempt. Out of that entire mess came my very first blog, and looking back on it that brought me so many new friends (yourself included) that I would not have known without it. Perhaps there lies the "light in the dark", if you'll pardon the pun. <em>Mr President's last blog post..</em><a href='http://lewinsky.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/the-existential-crisis-test/' rel="nofollow">The Existential Crisis Test</a> I read the first of the two posts unable to bring myself to comment. As someone who was a victim of bullying and a former binge-drinker I was unsure which side of the fence, so to speak, I sat on.

What is true is that the whole “making amends” thing is certainly more for the sake of the addict than the victims they’ve hurt. It’s probably not fair but the cynic in me would retort that life isn’t. Many alcoholics are themselves victims, bullying victims often become bullies, bad cycles perpetuate. The circle of life is not a pretty thing.

My bullying was a cause of my intense depression, itself a cause of my drinking problem, itself a cause of my (thankfully failed) suicide attempt. Out of that entire mess came my very first blog, and looking back on it that brought me so many new friends (yourself included) that I would not have known without it. Perhaps there lies the “light in the dark”, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Mr President’s last blog post..The Existential Crisis Test

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