This has been a curious, and rather enlightening week, so far. I feel like I’m being gently guided, encouraged, to confront fears I have long swept under the rug. Part of this I think comes from the pain I’ve been dealing with that still continues to trigger panic attacks.
I’m not just physically exhausted, but mentally, too. That’s when thoughts of suicide find a way past my barriers (mental and medicinal).
Even though this has been the toughest week I’ve faced, I’m rather happy in a contented sort of way. I hesitate to speculate that this may be due in part to a resurgence of my social self. I’m not hardcore, but I check in at Facebook and Twitter a few times a day.
I understand Twitter a bit more than I have the previous three times I re-activated my Twitter account for one reason or another. I don’t, quite, understand how folks follow things like news, etc., yet, but I’m sure to suss it out later. As for Facebook, once you ditch all the games and extra crap and just deal with the basics, it’s not bad. I’ve met two people from high school days. One PMs me now and again. Another has yet to even say a regular “hello” because he’s busy playing all the games. It’s all right. He always used to be on another plane anyway.
On Facebook I have more ‘friends’ than I really know. I would guess about ten are folks who have stuck in my mind and not slipped through my sieve of forgetfulness.
On both social places I like to leave my status. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly. It isn’t roleplaying, I’m not hiding behind an alias, I’m just me.
What sparked all of this was an amazing article by SnarkyPants. I met her through a meme that we both participate in once in awhile. I haven’t read a lot of her blog, but I do like what I read. From her post Blue Balloons:
“Can you just trust us?” and I replied (out loud because I am alone in car) “I’m afraid to. Afraid that it won’t be what I want.” and again I heard the word “Trust”. Grudgingly, I said “okay okay okay”.
For me, has really been about trust. I lost that a long while back. Oh, I had it in a few places, but that was the comfortable sort of trust where you really don’t need to take a risk to trust. Risky trust is a lot harder and it takes some work. It’s scary, too. However, I think I’m ready to do this. After all, what do I have to lose?
How does Trust work in your life?
We can fly because two brothers trusted their vision
Tags: Facebook, fear, friends, mental, panic attacks, Twitter
Great post, Jayne; it really hits home for me. You’re one of the few that have stuck in my mind over the past few years, and I wish you all the best, my friend. I may not contact you as often as I should, but I’m always thinking about you.
So ya trust is hard these days. For me I have tried with someone at work lately in the hopes of having someone to hang out with but yet once again I feel used.
Only talks to me concerning work, used me for witness to her car exchange with someone else, and I am the one always calling other wise. Hey I like to be called once in a while.
I was around mostly when convenient for her. I don’t like one way relationship so I have stopped talking to her and took her off my FaceBook. Wonder if she noted it since it doesn’t alert you, probably not.
Hubby and I tried to trust some old friends to start business. Got burnt, they took our idea and went into it on their own. One of them always said he couldn’t do business with a friend for years.
So we move on and are looking into making a major move and to start all over again.