Posts Tagged ‘Memories’

Sunday Stealing: One Long Meme (Part One)


12 Sep

Here is today’s Sunday Stealing:

1. The phone rings. Who will it to be?

My mother, or Jack and Jim, or Richard’s brother.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

Yep. We’re good citizens.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

Listener, unless it’s boring and then I leave politely (meaning, I leave the discussion, but not the social setting, as that’s generally rude).

4. Do you take compliments well?

Yes. Do you have a few for me?

5. Do you play Sudoku?

Do you like being kicked in the shins?

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?

I’ve watched, peripherally, enough Bear Grylls, that it’s possible I might. Otherwise, I’m probably going to be the dead body everyone eats.

7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

I did! I learned what a parasite was (my skin got infected when I jumped – at the behest of the counselors – into a pool so green with algae, it was gross), bit a horse (because it was on my foot and wouldn’t freakin’ move), discovered that Wonderbread can sustain one through a week’s worth of yucky camp food, and came home with pneumonia.

And some people wonder why I don’t like to camp.

8. What was your favorite game as a kid?

Pretend – a kid’s imagination is a helluva thing to waste.

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew she/he was married, would you?

He’d find a fist up his nose.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

My husband is an agnostic and I believe in god. We were married by an Episcopalian minister, whose wife was an atheist. 15 years and we’re going strong.

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?

I do.

12. Use three words to describe yourself?

Sarcastic, 47 year-old, woman.

13. Do any songs make you cry?

Wedding Day at Troldhaugen

This is one of the pieces of music my mother used to play on piano and I cry because it brings back wonderful memories.

14. Are you continuing your education?

Not unless I wind up teaching myself something.

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun?

Yes. I’ve shot a sawed off shotgun, that nearly knocked me off my feet, a .44 Magnum, and a crossbow.

16. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?

Yep.

17. How often do you read books?

Everyday. I read anywhere from one to three at a time. That does not account for the reading I do on the computer everyday.

18. Do you think more about the past, present or future?

I try to remember the good things about the past, I live day to day, and hope the best for the future.

Shere Khan the Tiger and Kaa the Python

Shere Khan the Tiger and Kaa the Python

19. What is your favorite children’s book?

The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling.

20.What color are your eyes?

Hazel Blue, although sometimes they stray to a rather eerie looking pale blue at times.

21. How tall are you?

I’m tall enough to ride the rollercoaster at Disneyland.

22. Where is your dream house located?

How about that? I’m living in it! I don’t dream about dream houses anymore. It’s a waste of time. Besides, what could be better than a house you don’t share ownership with a bank.

23. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
I’d be sure to let the dogs and cat out, and from there, I’d get myself out. This is really not a scenario I like to think about. ‘Kay?

24. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

Last week. Richard had the all you can eat soup and salad and I had the chicken alfredo pizza.

25. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?

Down the street two blocks while walking the dogs.

26. Do you like mustard?

Sometimes. I go through spates during which there are times when I don’t care for mustard. And, I like calling it “mucktard”. Don’t ask where that came from because sometimes I just don’t know what’s going on with my own mind.

Shattered


27 Aug

A fictional, little story of someone hurting…

Holes.

No. Not holes, but gaps.

Irregular, undulating. There one minute, gone the next.

I’ve realized that there’s so much that I am missing and I have no idea where to find it. I could easily look everywhere, under this, over that, but what am I looking for? What am I missing?

Incomplete.

Not whole.

I don’t know how to fix what should never have been broken. Bones, yes. Abrasions? Childs play. Cuts, scrapes, bruises… all of them I know how to fix.

This is broken. Me. Fractured? Shattered.

I saw a mirror break once from a single blow. It was a very heavy piece of glass that I struck out in all my rage at. It shattered. That had felt so… very… good.

I remember blushing as a strange feeling, somehow euphoric, yet humming deep in my bones, swept through my veins, every cell. I don’t know what it was, but ever after, when I broke something, I was able to conjure a ghost of that first feeling.

That’s it.

When he kissed me. The same feeling as when the mirror broke. I wanted to be kissed again, and he did so. A sublime moment that I’ve kept hidden away.

It was someone else that kissed me… who shattered me. Such sickness I felt. Such shame. It hurt in my mind, and my body as well. I was able to clean the blood, patch up the many scrapes and scratches… and his hideous bite mark. That took a bit more skill, but I did it.

My body functions, now. Like a robot… a golem? Everything is a routine programmed in my mind. A strong imprint. A script.

I wake in the morning. 8:30am. On the dot.

I then make my ablutions, brush my teeth, and clean my face. I shower every other day.

I choose my clothes from the wardrobe. A simple shirt, a pair of shorts, socks, shoes. For some reason, I get a little mesmerised when I tie my shoes. A little ill.

Knots in the laces.

Knots in the rope that bound my hands.

No. Routine. Back to the script.

Breakfast is next, although food still does not taste right. Ash. Soot. But, I eat because my body needs it.

Homework is simple. Well, homework is never simple, but I like it. I can think about so many other things than the storm of broken shards twirling in my brain like a frightening, menacing, tornado.

Tea is in the afternoon. I don’t really like tea anymore. I hate it, I think. It does taste good, though, and there’s warmth. When we go outside, I dodge the shadows as I grasp at the rays of the sun.

On my face, my limbs… everywhere.

Tea is when we talk. Or I cry. Sometimes I shout. I’ve punched and kicked, but always I am held together by an embrace. Strong arms and hands that are helping me to put the scattered shards back together.

Humpty Dumpty. I have to laugh. If I don’t…

If I don’t…

The Routine. The Script. I have to remember that.

After tea is time for true freedom. That’s when I can go outside, seeking the sun and the blue sky. My guardian comes with me. I think my guardian needs that freedom, the sun, and the sky, too. We don’t talk. We don’t go over my memories.

Bliss.

At night my guardian teaches me in the twilit hours. I’m taught ways to keep myself safe. I’m taught so that what happened will never happen again. I’m taught how to rebuild myself from the broken pieces.

Finally, there is sleep. Sleep means dreams.

Nightmares.

I have yet to sleep the whole night without waking to screams, only to learn later that it was me that was screaming.

Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks. There are steps back, but I am recovering. I am rebuilding.

I am still afraid, but my guardian is with me now. I still see the holes, the gaps, but they are growing smaller. I know what I am looking for, now. Peace. Belonging. Love.

I won’t be alone.

Never again.

~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~

This is an original story influenced by a very angsty, very well written fan fiction piece called Walk the Shadows. Harry Potter fans will immediately feel that this story is about Harry and Severus Snape, but it isn’t. It is about anyone who has ever been hurt, broken, neglected, or has been lost. Hence, this is NOT a fan fiction piece and will never be posted on a fan fic site.

Ruined Room

Sunday Stealing 29er


16 May

Here we are once again, I’m doing the Sunday Stealing 29er meme, which sounded interesting. Care to join me?

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

Credit card. I hate being reminded of how much we spent last month.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

Olive Garden – for my birthday

3. How many colleges did you attend?

One

4. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

I’m wearing a dress. It’s cool and comfy.

5. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

It didn’t go off, so I thought the clock was broken.

6. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

I hope my migraine doesn’t keep me up.

7. What do you miss being a child?

My parents.

8. What errand/chore do you despise?

Cleaning the bathroom. I think the dust bunnies are becoming intelligent.

9. Have you found real love yet?

Well… yeah.

10. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?

We have a K-Mart here. We buy my husband’s yearly bike there, sometimes shoes.

11. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

Nope.

12. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

Jason Isaacs as Capt. HookSeverus Snape – and NO, that doesn’t mean I want to have dinner with Alan Rickman. If you’re going to MAKE me choose a famous person then it would have to be… Jason Isaacs.

13. Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?

Nope. Cross my fingers, throw salt, and knock on wood.

14. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

Monterey. My mother’s there, and I met my husband there. It’s a great place to live, but good god a’mighty it’s freakin’ expensive! I know it said, ‘never been’, but I don’t wish to go anywhere else I haven’t been. I’m not comfortable doing that.

15. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

Hell no! I’m still working on the first career and relationship. I expect to die when I get them perfected.

16. Do you have a “go to” person?

My husband. He ‘goes to’ work, he ‘goes to’ the store, he ‘goes to’ get my meds. Fun life, huh?

17. Are you where you want to be in life?

I always expected to be someplace else. It’s taken me all this time to not just accept where I am in life, but to be content and enjoy it. I think, if you can manage that, you’ve unlocked one of the many secrets of Life.

18. Over the years, what about you do you think has changed the most?

I’m more cynical. I used to make friends easily. I needed to be liked. I still want to be liked, but I can’t go near a possible relationship without a twenty-foot pole and some Bad Human Raid. Not only have people hurt me in “real life” but I’ve been hurt through the internet as well.

19. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?

Nooooooo!

20. Are there times you still feel like a kid?

Everytime I have a birthday. Ye gods, I just turned 47 and I can’t believe it.

21. Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?

The corner adjacent to the Principal’s office where myself and four other outcasts stood for ten minutes before the start of classes bell rang. I didn’t really start “hanging out” with any friends until I was very nearly 30. Some very good, young friends, gave me a taste of youthful rebellion and we had some “interesting” times between the Monterey Sheraton, the Jack Swan Theatre, and Fisherman’s Wharf, in Monterey.

22. Who do you think impacted your life the most?

Cindy. She and I barely talk these days, neither of us write, and we don’t chat much online, either. However, she’s always going to be my best friend because she taught me how to enjoy life, even when I was freakin’ scared of it. Cindy opened doors I never imagined, not to mention she comped me to a lot of local theatre shows. Because of her, I had a stint in acting that was, surprisingly, fun and gave me quite a few memories. She’s one of the few, rare, honest to goodness, downright good people out there, so if you’re her friend, you’re damn lucky.

23. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?

Raymond D. Ham. He finally got it through my thick skull that I wasn’t stupid. He was one of the few adults that treated me as an adult; something he did for all his students. Because of his confidence in me, I was able to find a bit of bravery to prank him in front of the whole class. He left teaching when I graduated, and I think that was rather sad. I always had the feeling that his superiors didn’t appreciate him, but I hope he knew that his students, especially this one, did.

24. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?

I have no one to tell stories to. No kids. No neices or nephews nearby to tell things to.

25. What is the scariest thing that has happened to you as an adult?

Nearly bleeding to death in the hospital because no nurses believed me that I was still bleeding. Thank god that my surgeon came along and saw what was going on minutes before he was about to send me home.

26. What advice would you give to someone about to get married?

Be sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don’t have confidence in the relationship, then don’t be an idiot. Don’t get married. I happen to believe that marriage is a committment.

27. What advice would you give someone starting their first job?

Do what your boss tells you to do and show up on time, but if you hate the job and you have an alternative, then take it. Don’t just sit there and take crap if you don’t have to. It’s not worth the stress. Me, I just went nuts. Literally.

28. If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?

I’d learn to draw faces. I have neither the patience nor the energy to learn such a thing these days. It’s a pity, because although I’m quite a good abstract artist, it doesn’t allow me to draw the pictures in my mind.

29. If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?

The person I’d like to change, I don’t believe could change, so I wouldn’t bother. There are just some things you have to accept, stop your regrets about it, and move forward. That’s what I’m trying to do.

I Have Been Here Before

I am seeking a question.