Posts Tagged ‘nightmares’

Shattered


27 Aug

A fictional, little story of someone hurting…

Holes.

No. Not holes, but gaps.

Irregular, undulating. There one minute, gone the next.

I’ve realized that there’s so much that I am missing and I have no idea where to find it. I could easily look everywhere, under this, over that, but what am I looking for? What am I missing?

Incomplete.

Not whole.

I don’t know how to fix what should never have been broken. Bones, yes. Abrasions? Childs play. Cuts, scrapes, bruises… all of them I know how to fix.

This is broken. Me. Fractured? Shattered.

I saw a mirror break once from a single blow. It was a very heavy piece of glass that I struck out in all my rage at. It shattered. That had felt so… very… good.

I remember blushing as a strange feeling, somehow euphoric, yet humming deep in my bones, swept through my veins, every cell. I don’t know what it was, but ever after, when I broke something, I was able to conjure a ghost of that first feeling.

That’s it.

When he kissed me. The same feeling as when the mirror broke. I wanted to be kissed again, and he did so. A sublime moment that I’ve kept hidden away.

It was someone else that kissed me… who shattered me. Such sickness I felt. Such shame. It hurt in my mind, and my body as well. I was able to clean the blood, patch up the many scrapes and scratches… and his hideous bite mark. That took a bit more skill, but I did it.

My body functions, now. Like a robot… a golem? Everything is a routine programmed in my mind. A strong imprint. A script.

I wake in the morning. 8:30am. On the dot.

I then make my ablutions, brush my teeth, and clean my face. I shower every other day.

I choose my clothes from the wardrobe. A simple shirt, a pair of shorts, socks, shoes. For some reason, I get a little mesmerised when I tie my shoes. A little ill.

Knots in the laces.

Knots in the rope that bound my hands.

No. Routine. Back to the script.

Breakfast is next, although food still does not taste right. Ash. Soot. But, I eat because my body needs it.

Homework is simple. Well, homework is never simple, but I like it. I can think about so many other things than the storm of broken shards twirling in my brain like a frightening, menacing, tornado.

Tea is in the afternoon. I don’t really like tea anymore. I hate it, I think. It does taste good, though, and there’s warmth. When we go outside, I dodge the shadows as I grasp at the rays of the sun.

On my face, my limbs… everywhere.

Tea is when we talk. Or I cry. Sometimes I shout. I’ve punched and kicked, but always I am held together by an embrace. Strong arms and hands that are helping me to put the scattered shards back together.

Humpty Dumpty. I have to laugh. If I don’t…

If I don’t…

The Routine. The Script. I have to remember that.

After tea is time for true freedom. That’s when I can go outside, seeking the sun and the blue sky. My guardian comes with me. I think my guardian needs that freedom, the sun, and the sky, too. We don’t talk. We don’t go over my memories.

Bliss.

At night my guardian teaches me in the twilit hours. I’m taught ways to keep myself safe. I’m taught so that what happened will never happen again. I’m taught how to rebuild myself from the broken pieces.

Finally, there is sleep. Sleep means dreams.

Nightmares.

I have yet to sleep the whole night without waking to screams, only to learn later that it was me that was screaming.

Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks. There are steps back, but I am recovering. I am rebuilding.

I am still afraid, but my guardian is with me now. I still see the holes, the gaps, but they are growing smaller. I know what I am looking for, now. Peace. Belonging. Love.

I won’t be alone.

Never again.

~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~

This is an original story influenced by a very angsty, very well written fan fiction piece called Walk the Shadows. Harry Potter fans will immediately feel that this story is about Harry and Severus Snape, but it isn’t. It is about anyone who has ever been hurt, broken, neglected, or has been lost. Hence, this is NOT a fan fiction piece and will never be posted on a fan fic site.

Ruined Room

The Snake & The Wolf


13 Apr

This is an original fairy tale I wrote as a story within a story for my current Harry Potter fanfiction, Second Chance Take Two. Severus Snape writes the following fairy tale for his son (de-aged Harry, age 7) who is experiencing nightmares he feels helpless against.

Most of the situations in the story are inspired by my own childhood with my brothers. The chapter I wrote the following story for is a nod to my mother who helped us in unique, and creative ways, to deal with our nightmares. So, for my mother who once wrote me a similar “magical” story, I give you the tale of The Snake & The Wolf:

Analise was the prettiest and kindest little girl in her village. Her mother, Tama, adored her, and everyone, it seemed only thought well of the child. For Analise it seemed there was no evil in her small world.

But evil is never far, and it was said that there was evil in the forest that crept along the border of the village. Brave hunters might enter, but children were warned from birth not to step foot into the forest, else they might vanish… or worse.

However, there was another evil besides the forest that lived and walked amongst the villagers. It was the Blacksmith, Kalik, who wanted Analise’s lovely mother. Kalik was a selfish man who never took ‘no’ for an answer. He was handsome, too, and charming when he wished to be. Tama only saw this when the Blacksmith came to call, and before long, she and the Blacksmith wed.

The Blacksmith did not care for Analise for she was not his true child and so he began to plan a way to get rid of the child where Analise’s mother would suspect nothing. Tama would mourn and Kalik would comfort her. Then, he would give Tama strong sons until she forgot about her cornsilk-haired child.

One day the Blacksmith announced he had to travel to Market for a new horse and a few new tools. He offered to take Analise with him. Analise was delighted by such an adventure for she had only heard the wondrous tales of the Market. Her mother was wary, but her husband assured her that the sun was high in the sky, and they would return well before it fell. Travel through the forest, with the strong Blacksmith, would be nothing for Analise’s mother to worry about.

Trusting her husband, Tama waved farewell to her only child, and watched, with only the tiniest of trepidation, as the cart with her husband and daughter faded into the forest.

Analise enjoyed the ride and the forest. It really didn’t seem at all that frightening during the day. It was beautiful, and cool, and the slender trunks of the trees were bold strokes of earthen colour against the green leaves. She delighted in the birdsong that followed them, and the scents were heady, exotic, even.

She wasn’t a very talkative child, which made it easier for the Blacksmith to contemplate his subsequent actions as he spurred on his horses to a gallop. As the cart gained in speed, it bumped terribly on the uneven path. Analise tried to hang on as she was bounced about on the hard seat of the cart, and she would have been fine had not the Blacksmith given her a mighty shove that sent her little body flying from the cart.

As the Blacksmith drove further into the woods he laughed harshly. Analise fell to the ground, bruised but not terribly hurt. Perhaps if she’d been a bit older, her bones more strengthened by age, she might have been terribly hurt, or even killed. She was dazed, and lay where she’d fallen, upon the soft, moss-carpeted floor of the forest for some minutes. Her gaze blinked against the dappled sunlight overhead, and she sighed.

Analise was a wholly remarkable child. She could have cried… well, she did sniffle a bit because she missed her mother, but she had heard too many tales of the evil forest at night. The smart little girl knew that if she were to see her mother again, she must keep her wits about her.

Rising to her feet, Analise dusted off her pinafore and swept her long, blonde hair out of her face and squared her shoulders.

Watching the dust drifting back down to the ground from the long, gone cart, Analise did feel the tears prickling at her eyes. She really wanted her mother, but to be realistic, her mother wasn’t here and she was.

For a time, Analise wandered along the cart path, but it began to fade, becoming swallowed up by weeds, snaking vines, and creeping moss. She couldn’t say when, but she soon found herself surrounded by the trees. They seemed to be moving closer to her, circling her, and somehow they didn’t seem as beautiful anymore.

No child is perfectly brave, no matter how much they try to be. Analise succumbed to her fear of being in the evil forest all alone, away from her mother, and literally thrown away by the cruel Blacksmith.

“I want my mummy!” she cried softly, not bothering to wipe away the tears that fell down her cheeks.

“Sssss,” came a soft, sibilance that seemed to wend its way around the weeping little girl.

“Who is that?” sniffled Analise.

“Sssweet child, alone in my foressst.” A beautiful snake of iridescent green and sapphire blue slithered over Analise’s feet.

Other children would scream at such contact and run away, but not Analise. She’d always liked snakes and had never found them to be either terrifying, nor dangerous.

“Hello, pretty sssnake,” she said as her voice took on the hissing hue of the snake language.

“You underssstand me, sssmall human?” asked the snake slithering closer.

“I do. My mummy sssaysss it isss a gift my father’sss ancessstorsss gave me.” She pet the snake’s smooth head lightly with her finger.

“Sssuch a gift it isss. I sssaw the male of your ssspeciesss throw you away. Are you bad?” The snake curled up in her lap, luxuriating in the child’s warmth.

“Sssometimesss I am bad and mummy ssspanksss me. My new father doesss not care for me ssso he got rid of me. I want to go home, but the foressst isss evil and I won’t live when night fallsss.”

“Ahhh, the tale mothersss tell their eggsss to keep them sssafe. I have heard thossse. The foressst is no more dangerousss than your village isss, child. Danger comesss from not knowing how to sssurvive the night. I will keep you sssafe.”

“You will?” Analise asked in delight.

“You ssspeak the Sssong of the Ssserpent, sweet egg. It isss my duty to your ancessstor to keep you sssafe and deliver you to your mother.”

So Analise spent the night with the beautiful snake. It showed her how to gather up leaves to create a warm bed against the chill of the night and told her stories to keep her happy and to chase away the nightmare of the evil Blacksmith.

As Analise slept, the other creatures of the forest came, but were warned by the snake that she was its ‘egg’ and under her protection. A wolf, that was friend to the snake, listened carefully as the snake told about how the child was thrown from the cart by an evil human.

“I know this man,” growled the wolf, careful not to wake the sleeping child. “He smiles, speaks words of honey, but I have seen the bodies of those he has hurt. Your egg will not be safe if he returns to the village.”

What no one knew was that Kalik the Blacksmith was a truly evil man with a heart as Dark as the darkest night. For several years children had vanished from their mothers and fathers hearths in the surrounding villages, never to be seen again. Kalik, afraid that his horrid darkness might be discovered hoped that a marriage to the eligible Tama would throw any suspicion from him. Thus, he might continue his games with innocent children.

At daybreak the wolf left the sleeping child in care of the snake who had claimed her, and went to find his brothers.

In the village, Tama had spent a night of grief over the loss of her beloved child. Kalik had returned just before dusk with a grand tale of robbers that had overturned his cart, took his new tools, his money, and captured Analise. He wept, crocodile tears, with his wife, as he related his tale to any that would listen. In his shriveled heart, he crowed and laughed at his success, again making a promise that he would give Tama sons to replace the dead child. Sons, he would teach his games to.

Much later the next morning, the wolf returned to the snake and the little girl. Analise was afraid at first, but the snake assured her egg that the wolf was a friend. The wolf told the snake of the Blacksmith’s story and that all in the village mourned Analise’s death.

A plan was made to keep Analise in the forest, safe with the creatures, until the Blacksmith had to journey to the town again. The snake explained the plan, but did not elaborate on what the wolf and his brother intended for the vile Blacksmith. Analise was content with her new-found friends, knowing that eventually she’d return to her mother’s arms.

A few strategic midnight raids upon the Kalik’s smithy where the wolves removed vital tools, meant the Blacksmith had to return to town before he had planned. So, two days after his journey where he’d gotten rid of his step-daughter, he got out his cart, made his goodbyes to his wife, and made his way to town.

The wolves were waiting. They made certain to visit upon the Blacksmith all the pain and terror he had caused the innocents.

By late afternoon, the snake and the wolf brought Analise back to the edge of the village. She ran all the way to her home and burst into the small house and threw herself into her startled mother’s home. Tama was so overjoyed at the return of her daughter she wept. Later, she listened in horror as Analise, who had never been known to lie, told her mother the true story of what happened.

The Blacksmith never returned and the forest lost its aura of evil as Analise’s friend, the wolf, and his brothers, became the Protectors of the village.

No more children disappeared, and the village thrived, as did the lovely Analise, who one day told her story of her marvelous friends to her own children, and then to her grandchildren.

Part Dream Part Reality


18 Jul

I just woke up from a nightmare where my husband tried to have me committed because he didn’t believe I was starving to death.

Of course, I’m hardly starving (sitting here eating my Blueberry Instant Oatmeal), but my cat, Mimi, is. She is seeing the vet on Friday, so please don’t think we’re just idly sitting by. Since she did take some tuna juice and little bits of tuna, kept it down, and later used her litter box, the vet said it’s not an emergency. We’re just to keep giving her tuna flavored water, to keep her hydrated, and little bits of tuna when she can.

It’s only two more days, but it hurts to see her come running when she hears the kitty snack pack rattle and all she can do is lick the snack. She’ll push food out of the food bowl, but she can’t eat it.

My husband and I think it might be a hairball. Mimi has very fine fur and always looks like she’s had a bad hat hair day. It mats very easily, and it’s painful for her and for me, to comb those knots out.

I hope she’s all right. She’s such an affectionate thing and so very beautiful.

Mimi In the Kitchen

I Have Been Here Before

I am seeking a question.