I only managed ten cards for Christmas today. I had to fight with the lights on the tree and I lost. Then, I had to fight with the post office. All I want to do is send something to a friend, but it’s threatening to turn into a nightmare, and that’s the post office’s fault for being little to no help.

Today was another good day and I am enjoying the feeling. I am slowly, but surely, losing the hesitation I’ve had in regards to my Spiritual beliefs, and my faith. I noticed recently that I feel more comfortable in practicing my faith. Although, “practice” doesn’t seem quite the right word. I am losing my … embarrassment (?) over letting others “see” what I believe, too. Witness all these rather Spiritual heavy posts of late.

I’m not sure when that shutting down of my spiritual side began, but I know there were several factors that contributed to it. The worst being that I’d been harboring anger at God for a long time – blaming Him for pretty much everything. That led to me hiding my faith from others because it “wasn’t cool”. Which is really dunderheaded as I long ago gave up trying to be “cool” and accepted by everyone for a perceived notion of who and what they thought I was.

I’m still odd, unconventional, fearful, confused, and at times (despite my meds) sad. Each day, though, is better than the last. It helps a great deal, too, that my panic attacks have settled, and so it seems has my pain.

I did have a goal of trying to get someplace to exercise (either swimming or stretching) and that failed miserably. For such a large city, Spokane is woefully lacking in swimming pools and the one inside one shuts down in winter. I am walking the dogs with the husband, but we’ll have to cut down on that soon. Our eldest dog, Marcus, isn’t entirely sure on his feet these days, and the last thing we need is for him to break a leg.

I am setting myself a new goal, which in addition to my general chickeness, it has the dubious honor of occurring on Sunday when buses usually don’t run.

There is an Episcopal cathedral here in Spokane. I knew that the Episcopal church had cathedrals, but I’d never seen one. I’ve only seen the outside of this one, but it is quite magnificent. I understand that their services are “high church worship” services. Lots of ritual, bowing, kneeling, standing – church aerobics.

I would like to go there for their Christmas service. It would also be wonderful to get my rosary blessed.

The thought of going to the church on my own terrifies me, at the moment. Mixing that in with iffy bus schedules, waking up on time, taking my meds, etc., that it seems so much could go wrong. It makes my stomach flip just thinking of it all.